HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S: Steps to Becoming A Great Doctor


What do you think makes a great doctor? To follow are Audrey’s steps in becoming the best doctor you can be.

            Steps to Becoming a Great Doctor

Most people think becoming a doctor takes a lot of hard work and determination. This is partly true being that to become a doctor, you have to be dedicated to all the responsibilities you are about to take on. In order to begin your career as a doctor, you must take the following steps.

Handwriting
Handwriting (Photo credit: gusset)

First of all, of course we all need sleep. Sleep is one of the most critical things to becoming a doctor. You must have so much sleep in order to function and see patients for, oh, about thirty seconds at a time. Sleep so much that you forget all your appointment times and have people waiting on you. Having people wait on you makes it seem like you are actually doing more important things, rather than napping in your office.

All doctors have sloppy handwriting, so sloppy hand writing is extremely important. When you get a chance, practice making your handwriting as horrible as possible. This will make you appear like a real doctor. Every doctor has handwriting that is illegible, so make sure you have this down just right. Having messy handwriting will help you to blend in with all the other doctors and will make you fit in right where you need to.

As a doctor, you must learn to always make time for yourself. No matter how ill a patient is and no matter how much patients rely on you leave for the day. Pick a random day of the week and take off! If your appointments are all booked for that day, be spontaneous and call in that morning. No one likes a boring doctor! This will keep your patients guessing, and they will definitely want to come back no matter how upset they are.

Always remember to mention the follow-up visit. Figuring out what is wrong with the patients is the easy part because all you have to do is Google it like everyone else. Now, getting them to come back is like taking candy from a baby. Do not forget to let the patients know that they will need to come back for a follow-up visit to keep track of their health. Every patient will feel that this is necessary and will immediately do this. Now, if it is not necessary let them know that it is drastically necessary to come back in order for them to get better. The more patients come back, the more money you make, and, hey, that is what being a doctor is all about, right?

With all that being said, being a doctor takes hard work. It is not as easy as it sounds. It definitely takes a special person to be capable of this task. Just remember to be late as much as you possibly can, that sloppy hand writing is the key to fitting in, and the “follow-up” appointment is always the best way to end a doctor’s visit. With these simple steps, you will be the best doctor patients will be begging to come back. After all, more patients means more money!

 

 

 

 

 

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HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, PART 23: “Bagging a Myth”


at the Willow Creek Bigfoot Museum
at the Willow Creek Bigfoot Museum (Photo credit: Bob Doran)

12-23-12

His name is legend…Big Foot. Like Nessy,  the Loch Ness Monster, he is the subject of countless speculations and imagined sightings.  To this day, he has never been caught — yet. Follow Kasey’s steps, and you could be the lucky one to bag the big guy and mount his feet on your wall.

MISSION: BF

Agent Red? Come in, Agent Red. I have a very important mission for you! It entails dangerous and high-risk situations. Your mission, if you choose to accept, is to catch the infamous Big-Foot. I have included step-by-step instructions for how to execute  your mission. You begin at 1800 hours. Be prepared, Agent Red. The mission is a tricky one.

The first step to catching the notorious Big Foot is preparation. You must prepare yourself, not only physically, but also mentally. Start by going to the gym at least three times a day, once in  the morning for cardio (in case you have to run away from the beast), once in the afternoon for weight exercises (so you can drag him to your car once you’ve captured him), and once in the evening for yoga (so you have the ability to relax after dealing with the scary creature). Now that you are physically prepared, you must prepare mentally. The best way to do this is to go see a psychologist. The doctor will, most likely, tell you that you are insane and that Big Foot does not exist. He will then try to admit you into a psych ward. This next step is crucial! You  must ensure him that Kasey sent you on a mission and you can’t rest until it is complete and run out of the office as quickly as possible.

The next step to catching Big Foot is to have the right equipment. There are only two pieces of equipment you need, but these two things are very important. First, you need Jack Links Beef Jerky. You must have this exact brand, as it is the only thing that Big Foot eats, and you will not be able to catch him without it. Next, you need a dart gun. This will allow you to silently capture Big Foot without being noticed and without killing him. Make sure that the dart gun has extra-strong sleeping sedatives in the darts.You

The third and most important step, everyone knows, is location, location, LOCATION! Many people think that you can just go to the woods and POOF! Big Foot will just magically appear…False. Big Foot will only appear at precise locations at certain times. The best time to catch Big Foot is on a Friday or Saturday night after you have been drinking heavily or after you have smoked large quantities of marijuana (prescription, of course!). The perfect location to spot Big Foot is any heavily wooded area in the northwestern region of the United States. Big Foot makes many appearances in that area.

Now that you are prepared with your equipment and location, it’s time to complete your mission and catch Big Foot. When you get to the wooded area, make sure your friend is driving becuse you must be too inebriated to catch Big Foot. First, set the opened pack of Jack Links beef jerky approximately fifty feet away from where you are standing. Next, you must wait. While waiting, I suggest you consume large quantities of alcohol or marijuana, preferably both. This will make it easier for you to see Big Foot.  After waiting for a considerable length of time, Big Foot should appear out of the woods. You must quickly grab your dart gun and shoot at least five darts into his neck. Once he is knocked out, grab him by the feet and drag him to the car. Have your friend drive you and Big Foot to your house where you will tie him up until the next morning.

You completed your mission! Once the next morning comes, go to the garage or the back yard, where you have Big Foot tied up. If you notice that something is a bit off, you’re right. You may either have a bear or a fat, hairy hunter tied up in your yard. If you actually thought that Big Foot was real, please go back to the doctor that you previously saw and beg him to let you take him up on his offer.

*****

So, what are you waiting for? Head for Cabela’s “Big-Foot-hunting” aisle and stock up on supplies. C’mon, get a move on!

A TASTE OF MY OWN MEDICINE


Distance education
Distance education (Photo credit: mcwetboy)

08-22-2012

Adjunct Orientation

“Kim. I’ve submitted your name to the Dean for Distance Learning.”

Strains of “Hallelujah Chorus” streamed from the ceiling and swelled in the hallways.  Sexual harassment be damned, I  hauled off and hugged my Department Chair.

“Thank you! When do I start?”

I’ve waited for this opportunity since a   friend  started teaching online.

“How do you get on?” I asked her, one day.

“Simple. Just put in your name for it. When there’s a spot, someone will call you.”

Imagining myself  learning the trade at my own pace, setting my own virtual office hours, and teaching computer-savvy students, I wasted no time in tossing my name into the hat.

After a five-year lapse,  the opportunity presented itself  with a shiny, red bow.  My colleagues rejoiced.

“You’ll never have to  worry about not having a class.”

“Even when you’re in a  retirement home, you can teach class from your laptop.”

Now, as I sit in the sparsely-populated Distance Learning Orientation, search for the “Any” key, and read and re-read instructions intended for the Geek Squad, I can identify with my students’ frustration with my well-intentioned instructions for “simply” logging on to the school site or www.turnitin.com.

“What’s the matter?” I felt like asking them, in the past.  “You have photos, diagrams…cave-man drawings…right in front of you, so why can’t you upload  your papers by the deadline?”

Now, here I am in their seats.  Now, I understand.

Once, I saw a movie about a doctor who became more empathetic with his patients after becoming a patient, himself. Wearing the same gaping hospital gowns. Being roused from  a sound sleep for tests in the middle of the night.  Choking down hospital food he wouldn’t feed his dog.  Reclaiming his dignity and self- respect only after he walked through  his own front door.

Last night and most of today, after I nearly pulled my hair out and almost forgot my Christian upbringing over the frustration of having to repeat an activity at least ten times, could I relate with what my students must feel.  I expect that trading places with them for  six weeks will refresh my memory and restore my empathy for those young people  on the sunny side  of  my desk.