WELCOME TO THE ” ‘GET-A MALL”!


08-15-15

WELCOME TO THE “GET-A” MALL

08-15-15

“Get real.”

“Get a life!”

“Get a job.”

Every day, people hear those words from friends, family, colleagues, and even enemies. But where do they go to “get-a” something they cannot get with money? Welcome to the “Get-A” Mall — the place you go to “get-a”. Open 24/7/365, this mall is available for all your “get-a” needs. But, a word of caution, it is not online. You need to “get-a” there in person.

The “Get-a” Mall offers a variety of stores, including its three most popular:

* “Get real”: First, do you really want to get real? Reality is scary. Sometimes, it even sucks! Divorce, disease, disability, death, bankruptcy — they are all part of life. But, if you are tired of your virtual existence, the nice folks at “Get real” aim to serve.

* “Get-a life”: Now this store’s waaaay more fun. Always wanted to be a stuntman? Here’s your chance. A ballerina? We have a tutu for yuyu. Rock star? Rock on!

* “Get-a job”: “What?” you say, “I don’t have any training!” Relax, man. Get someone else’s job. Be a doctor. Yeah, being a brain surgeon would be cool. All you would need is a good Black and Decker drill and you’re golden. Just go operate on someone else’s brain, okay? I’m good for now.

Attorney: (You really want people to vilify you?) Get a pair of running shoes – handy for chasing those ambulances.

*Teacher: (What? Are you crazy?)

Those are only three of the “Get-A” mall’s most popular stores. But how many times have people’s faces gone brain-dead and their eyes glassed over when you told them a joke? For those unfortunate sense-of-humor-challenged souls, there’s the “get-a joke” store. In one department, “stand-up comedy” schticks. In another, vaudevillian slapstick. And in a deep, dark medieval dungeon reserved for the truly humor-deficient, court jesters hired to jump out and tickle them senseless.

So, there you have it. “Get real”, “Get-a life”, “Get-a Job”, and “Get-a Joke”. Be the first to visit the “Get-a” Mall today.

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HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S: How To Plan A Cross-Country Trip


The Great American Road Trip
The Great American Road Trip (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey, everyone! Summer’s almost upon us. Gas up the car, grab some snacks, and fire up your GPS. To follow are Ken’s suggestions for planning an absolutely unforgettable cross-country road trip.

How to Plan a Cross Country Trip

Some people start planning their road trip months in advance. They’ll map out routes, get the car ready, talk to family and friends etc. Skip the planning; the trip is all about the various adventures you’ll create. The adventure will not only be for your family, they’ll also be for people you know such as coworkers, friends, family, neighbors, and maybe a few strangers.  Remember, follow this “How to Plan a Cross County Trip “and it will truly be the adventure of all adventures. The most important rule of this “how to” is to not tell anyone what you are up to; it will only spoil the adventure.  Let’s get started.

For the first adventure, don’t worry about putting in for vacation at work.  You’ll give your coworkers their own adventure trying to figure out what happened to you, what you were doing, when you are coming back, etc…  Your boss will have his or her own adventure as well; He or she will be working with H.R. trying to figure out if you’ve abandoned your job.

Your next adventure will be your house and yard.  For your yard, don’t have the postal service or newspaper hold things when you’re gone.  Let the grass grow and the newspapers and mail pile up.  Your neighbors, vandals, and maybe a homeowner association will benefit by having their own adventures.  Your neighbors will have their own adventure trying to figure out what happened to you and your family.  Vandals will see an unkempt yard, that has newspapers piled up and a mailbox door wide open and know that they are in for an adventure collecting some of your goodies.  Oh and those homeowners association board members have such a great sense of humor.  While they are out scouring the neighborhood looking to award this month’s “Best or Most Improved Yard”, they’ll see yours!  Wow, will they ever be impressed!

For your house adventures, clean out your refrigerator and put all of the leftovers in the trash.  Don’t bother to take out the trash or wash the dishes.  Just in case your house is broken into, it will give your house the “We’ve just stepped out and we’ll be right back” look.

Next you’ll play the utility game adventure. Forget about paying your bills before your leave, you’ll be able to party with the extra money.  While other travelers are counting out of state plates, cars of different colors, or other mundane road trip games, your family will be playing games of their own.  Play the “what if” game.  It goes a little like this, what if the electricity is off?  What food article will collect the most mold?  Will it be in the freezer or refrigerator? Another game you can play is what food article will stink the most.

The next adventure is to get the car loaded.  Make sure that the car is in the garage, no need to tip the neighbors off.  First you’ll need to disconnect the phone and collect all cell phones.  You’ll want family togetherness so you’ll need to leave everybody off the grid.  The secondary purpose is to keep the primary rule intact, nobody will know what happened.  Next wake your family up in the middle of the night. Tell them they have one half hour to get the car packed and on the road.  If they ask why, tell them they’ll need to wait until you’re on the road.

For the packing adventure, leave the tools, extra fan belt, quart of oil, gallon of water, Hand Wipes, flash light, tire pressure gauge, car manual, garbage bags, tire chains (it doesn’t snow in the summer), matches, can opener, pillows, babies special items, portable first aid kit, sun screen, lip balm, power inverter, GPS, personnel electronics, cooler, and picnic items item at home.  This will ensure the packing will go much quicker. If you need some extra room, you can also leave the spare tire and jack at home.  You probably won’t need them anyway.

Don’t worry about having your car serviced, you only need to have a mechanic ok your car for short trips around town. Road emergency kit with jumper cables and a gas can aren’t needed for cross country trips either.  Since you’ll be traveling in the summer, other travelers will carry these along.  If you have a problem, a good samaritan will stop and help you.  Just think of the satisfaction they feel by a lending hand.   Be sure to properly thank them by completely ignoring them or using bad language.  Make sure each person has their own set of cars keys.  They don’t have to work on the cars you’re driving, but they’ll feel important by having them.

Once on the road, take one of the back roads that you never use and drive for a couple of hours.  Then decide where you want to go.  Pick a place that you’ve never been too before and stop at the next hole in the wall gas station and ask for directions.

One the way to your destination, you’ll need to stop and get a road atlas.  Stop at a used book store and find the oldest one in the store.  With the budget cuts, you never know if they put a planned route on one of the newer atlases.  Buying an old atlas will eliminate that uncertainty.

If you’re going during July and August, don’t worry about the crowds at the national parks and other popular destinations.  It’s too hot for most people and reservations will not be necessary.  If you think you’ll run into long lines, skip taking a shower for a couple of days.   Other tourists will slowly move away and you’ll move closer to the head of the line.  This won’t work at a zoo as the animals may smell a familiar scent and come after you.

Forget about following the rules and regulations of the places you are visiting.  They’ll see your out of state plates and think the rest of the state is full of moron’s and idiots.  Because of your actions, less people will want to visit us, your fellow statesmen will be proud that we’ll have more room for ourselves. Never be nice to the small town locals.  They already know you’re not from there and will be less suspicious.

Here’s a favorite west Texas adventure that’s best played in the summer month’s.  When there’s nobody for miles and there is a car hugging you bumper, wait for the next dead skunk.  Slow down just a little before you hit the dead skunk so the car behind you gets to experience the full aroma.   Gradually slow down a little over the next few miles until the tailgater passes you.  Record on a fast food restaurant napkin, how many people where holding their nose.  The expression on those people’s face will be priceless.  See how many miles you can go without laughing.  Don’t forget to put the napkin in a safe place.  This will be used for your English 1301 journal assignment.

Since your adventure wasn’t planned, you’ll have plenty of extra time on your trip to be spontaneous. Try to drive in congested areas during rush hour traffic.   You’ll get to see driving styles that bring out the best personalities.   For extra points, try rush hour traffic near and major event such as the opening of President G.W. Bush’s library.   Driving long distances is never tiring so there’s no need take breaks or share the driving. You can add to your paper napkin journal by documenting the time that one child tells you the other has looked or touched him or her.  Don’t forget to document how many times you hear “Are we there yet?”  Leave your sense of humor at home as you won’t get under each other’s skin because not sleeping well, not eating good and being out of your comfort zone. Nobody us susceptible to irritations from travel mates on long distance trips. Be aware that this only occurs on short trips.

You final adventure starts on the way back home.  Your family has had a great time to bond so know is the time to come up with a story to tell all that ask.  Make your story is as boring as possible.  If everyone finds out what fun and excitement you had, they’ll all want their own adventure.

HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 26: Giving Him “the Boot”


Waiter, Make Mine Blues
Waiter, Make Mine Blues (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

12-26-12

Ever find yourself wanting to let someone down easily, but he or she won’t take the hint?  If so, Ta’honey has some foolproof advice for giving him the “boot”. .

You’re on, Ta’honey!

HOW TO GET RID OF A MAN

In this paper, I’m going to tell you how to get rid of a man. Ladies, be sure to get your note pads out for this. We all wonder — at times — how am I going to get rid of him? Well, no more worries, ladies, I have all the answers for you. Some men just don’t get it when you let them down easy, so, therefore, you go for the jugular. So here are the first steps of how to get rid of him.

First date, he going to pick you up at eight o’clock, so make sure you are extremely late getting ready; let’s say, about two hours. Tell him to come in. It will only be a minute. Then, as he’s waiting, start to bring out clothing and asking him what he thinks you should wear. So, after about five dresses, when he picks the one he likes, you pick the opposite. Then, of course, what’s an outfit without shoes? Then start on the shoes, and make sure you have at least five to six pairs for him to give his opinion on.

While he’s waiting, you forget to mention that you had a two-year-old son. Start off by telling him he needs to watch your son while you take a shower and get ready; it will only take a minute. Second, let him know that the baby’s food is in the fridge and he needs to warm it up and sit down and feed it to him. He doesn’t know that your son hates peas and does nothing but spits them out and makes a complete mess. Now that he has waited for you for two hours, of course, he has peas on his shirt in time for the date.

First thing to do after getting into the car, rmove his CD out of the radio and take your booty-dancing CD and put that one in and make sure that the music is so loud that he can’t hear himself think. Remember, you want him to take you to the raunchiest place to have dinner. So, I’m thinking, the hole-in-the-wall restaurant that the local gang-bangers, drug dealers, and strippers go to have a quick meal. Finally, in the restaurant and while the waiter is waiting on you, go out of your way to make sure you are the most complicated customer that she has ever come in contact with. Start by asking the waiter if she thinks your man is cute. Then, go on telling her that you would love for him to marry you in two weeks and then have a baby, afterwards. Remember, your goal is to make him as uncomfortable as possible. While waiting on the food, pop your gum and be very obnoxious. Make every conversation an argument. When the food arrives, tell the waiter that this is the wrong food and someone must have gotten your order mixed up. Now, he’s so mad you can see the smoke coming out of his eyes, but still go on as such like there is nothing wrong. When the different meal comes out, tell the waiter never mind, you don’t want anything to eat since the cook can’t seem to get it right. Now that you have spoiled his appetite he probably wishes that he could just disappear. On the way home, be sure to ask when he is taking you on another date. If you get the silent treatment, then you have successfully gotten rid of this guy. Last, but not least, you ave to go out with  a bang. Tell him to drop you off at a friend’s house but what he doesn’t know is that your friend is actually your boyfriend. Ooops!

****

So, have you ever done anything to get rid of someone? What did you do, and what was the other person’s reaction?

HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 17: COVER YOUR EYES, BENJAMIN SPOCK!


12-18-12

It’s that time, again. With the end of another semester comes a new batch of  how-to’s from my college Composition I students. First up: Ada with  sage advice for taking care of your little tot.

THE BEST-EVER BABY MANUAL

When it comes to being a parent, it’s easy! First of all, babies are amazing things all on their own. They all are simple in their needs and wants, and they can’t whine and complain at you when you do something that they don’t like. Taking care of them becomes even easier with the right instruction manual, so you’re in luck! Here is the BEST baby instruction manual there is, with everything from how to quiet them when they cry to how to play with them.

Now, the biggest thing new parents are scared about when they get a baby is the dirty diapers and all the myths surrounding them. First, diapers smell like roses, not something nasty. Second, they are easy to change, especially with a boy. Third, you can wait days in between changing times. And my personal favorite, diapers are optional.

Babies are rumored to cry all the time to try and tell you something. Not true, when a baby cries, it means absolutely nothing. When they do start to cry, they are easily quieted. A few things you can do to quiet them down is hang them upside-down, make loud noises, or even take away their blanket. If the crying still persists after all of that, then just leave the room till they quiet down.

Here’s the part you have been waiting for and all parents have kids for, play time! One of the best games to play

A smiling baby lying in a soft cot (furniture).
A smiling baby lying in a soft cot (furniture). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

with a little baby is to bounce the baby. Here are some things to look for in a good bounce-the-baby spot: low ceilings, moving ceiling fans, being on the edge of a high surface, or even standing near sharp corners. Another thing you can do with baby is to go hunting and teach the baby how to shoot. If you want to get some toys for baby, get things like chain saws, plastic bags, toxic chemicals, and open electrical sockets.

So, remember that babies are able to do anything that you want to do with them. They add fun to your daily lives and are great friends when you need one. One of the best things about them is that they are easy to get rid of when you get bored with them and they don’t take up much room. Isn’t this the best baby manual ever?

Now, it’s your turn, seasoned veterans. What is one piece of advice you would offer a new parent?

HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 9: “Dear Lonely One”


B.W. and J.Q. working ¿NISH!'s Bad Advice booth
B.W. and J.Q. working ¿NISH!’s Bad Advice booth (Photo credit: alxndr)

08-24-2012

A. Are you single? B. Are you lonely?  If you have checked A and B, Blessing wants a word with you. Take it away, Blessing!

HOW TO TRAP..I MEAN GET A GUY.

Dear Lonely One,

There are over 6 billion people in the world. So why are you single? It is because the world is a cruel and heartless place. It’s every man..well, in your case, woman…for herself. Welcome to the jungle. Trying to get a man requires you to open up your senses, and be cunning and alert. Listen to me when I say you have to have the mindset of a predator. If there’s one thing that you can gain from my rules, it is having your prey…I mean, guy…in your arms. Follow these rules and you will not fail. So, what are you waiting for? Grab your binoculars, fill up your canteen, and let’s go man-hunting!

Have all eyes on your prey. While you’re out and about, you see the guy of your dreams, and you cannot take your eyes off him. You want him to be yours. It’s like your souls are calling out to each other. At this moment, I’m going to need you to close your mouth because you are drooling on yourself. Thank you. Now you want to be with him, only you don’t know how to initiate a relationship. Introduce yourself! Spark up a little small talk, but, above all, make sure you remember his name. The name is muy importante!

Know your prey. This is the easiest, yet most important, part. Get on the Internet and do your research. Google your man. See if he’s had any news articles featuring him. You could even go as far as getting a background check on him. If the background check comes back and your man is squeaky clean, you can jump for joy. If he’s dirty as the gum on your shoe, you need to escape! This background check may be to the extreme, but you wouldn’t want to have an ex-con as your new boyfriend, would you? Now that you know he’s a regular citizen, it’s time to get on Facebook. First thing you need to do is take note of his relationship status. If he is not single, you can set down some mourning flowers because that road is a dead-end, honey. If he is single, then I will allow you this one time to scream your head off, indulge in some ice cream, and have a girls’ night out. Ok, now, it’s time to get back to the mission. Know the ins and outs of his profile. Find out where he likes to eat. Figure out his weaknesses and strengths. This will guarantee you success on the next step.

Load up the guns. You know where he likes to go; now it’s time to stalk your prey. “Accidentally” bump into your guy at the market. Show up with the same kind of coffee at work. Buy the same shirts he buys. Get into a car accident with him as he’s leaving the highway. I AM JUST KIDDING! I can’t believe you almost did that. Other than the last part, do everything he likes to do. Right about now, he should be at your every beck and call. If not, it’s time for a pep talk. Listen to me. You are a beautiful lion in the jungle. You see your prey. Envision him as yours. Taste him, watch him, and stay perfectly still. Now, it’s time for you to pounce! OH,  NO! I didn’t mean literally. My goodness, now you’ll never have your man. Maybe next time you shouldn’t take my instructions so literally. After the restraining order against you is over, maybe you can try again. When you try again, do it without the pouncing. Better luck next time.

Love,

The Worst Advice-in-Nataor

MESSY LITTLE SECRET, PART TWO: Messy No More


Album Collection
Album Collection (Photo credit: maddenman2000)

07-16-2012

I’ve always believed my fiance was a hottie. Yesterday, he was absolutely suh-mokin’! Let me explain.

For months…no, years…since I moved into my home, I have kept the door to the office — my “messy little secret” — closed. It is not just an eyesore; it’s a purulent wound. This morning, I gathered the courage to rip off the bandage and expose it to the air…and to Von. Respecting my wishes, he never has opened its door without my permission. Meanwhile, I have dared not enter the room without a hard-hat, goggles, rubber gloves, and gas mask.

“I’ll look in only when you’re ready for me to see it,” he assured me.

You see, for only a short while after I moved into my house was this room liveable. Soon after, it became a temporary holding tank for things until I decided where I really wanted them to go. Memorabilia, photos, old bills, books, especially, stacks of L.P.’s, provided by my radio-announcer father, Chem Terry.

“Sell them on Ebay,” some suggested.

“Tried Craigslist?” asked others.

Both, I’ll admit, are viable ideas, except these albums are not simply albums. They’re what Daddy represented: music of the 1940’s and 1950’s. According to my mother, he begged her not to sell his record collection.

Now that she is gone, I have inherited Daddy’s records. Although I bought a turntable that converts L.P.’s into MP3 files, it would still take forever to capture every single record.

Since August 2006, when I moved into the house, I was pressed for time, as I had recently started a new semester at school, so I wanted to slam-bang the whole moving process together as quickly as possible. When Sundays rolled around, I stashed boxes of stuff in the garage. Out of sight, out of mind. Troublesome mail also found its way upstairs.

“I’ll deal with this tomorrow,” I told self, dusting my hands. “Not to worry.”

But when I had to don riot gear to brave the chaotic cubbyhole at the top of the stairs, I knew I needed help. My son and grandson from Sweden were due to visit me soon. Knowing that if Tam laid eyes on that room, he would feel like putting “Mama” in a home, I took a big gulp and started tossing stuff into trash bags.

This morning, when I let Von come up and see it, I pointed out the chief concern: “skyscraper” stacks of record albums that made the room an obstacle course. It is not the first time he has tried to help me with this problem. About a year ago, we bought a dozen bankers boxes from Sam’s Club. Seemed like a good idea, but the weight of the records soon caused the boxes to collapse.

Today, at Lowe’s, my big sweetie bought me two tall, wire book-shelves and eight plastic bins large enough to hold these cherished records. Before he returned home, he assembled the shelves and helped me store the albums into bins and stack them. While I am still not finished, the room is at least liveable. All I need to turn it into a state-of-the-art office is a hot-plate for coffee, a small fridge for Cokes, a vending machine for snacks, a futon, a hot tub…..