HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S: Four Steps to Becoming A “Velcro” Girlfriend

Hey, ladies, have you met the hunk…er, man…of your dreams? You’re not finished, yet! Follow Alexis’s advice for keeping tabs on him at all times or, in other words, becoming that “Velcro” girlfriend he’s always wanted.

“Overly Attached” Girlfriend

            We all show our love in different ways.  Some girls buy their boyfriends a watch or shirt. Some girls just sleep with their boyfriends. Ladies, I must tell you!  You are doing it wrong! W-R-O-N-G!! Wrong! Got it? Wrong! Men don’t want you to buy them things or just sleep with them to show them you care! No siree bob! They want you to attach to them like they attach to their video games! I’m going to give you 4 simple steps on how to be the best attachment; I mean girlfriend in his life!

            First, get a boyfriend (if you don’t have one) and save his contact as “MINE.” When you are with your boyfriend, you need to make sure all of those cats in heat know he is yours! Don’t be the shy girlfriend that lets every woman flirt with her man. Oh no! Be the amazing girlfriend that pimp slaps every woman that looks his way. Trust me! He will be speechless and bug-eyed!

            Next, text him every single moment of the day! Listen up ladies, if he takes more than a minute to respond, he is either up to something or in serious trouble! If this should happen, get in your car and drive to his house! He might be getting molested by that blonde cheerleader at your school! When you get there, forget about knocking on the door like a normal person. Climb the tree outside of his window and jump into his room! He will be surprised and maybe a little upset….. BUT this is to be expected, because he didn’t think you loved him this much!! Poor baby. L

            Then, you must install, deny, and refuse! If you love your man so much that you feel alone when away from him, there is a solution! When he invites you over to his house, install a recording device and camera in his room. This way, you can watch him sleep like a baby! If he finds it and blames it on you, DENY it! If he insists on you admitting it is yours, REFUSE! Now if he still doesn’t shut up about it, KISS HIM! Kiss him like he is Channing Tatum! Then tap it! That’s right!! Resort to tapping it!!  No man can resist the tapping!! (;

            Lastly, put your name on his belongings! Now this is an important step ladies. I’m only going to say this once. Show him you are not insecure and you do believe him when he says he loves you! When he throws a dirty shirt in the laundry, your job is to silently pick it up and put it in your bag. Later on, you are to sew your name in big bold letters on the front and back of his shirt, clean it and place it in his closet. NOTE: Do this to every article of clothing to insure he doesn’t forget that you have his back! Now, he may be so upset about this that he defriends and blocks you on Facebook; but I assure you it is him just being a drama queen. Access his accounts and unblock/ re-add yourself. Then for a safety precaution, delete every single woman on his friends list…. including his mother!! You are the only woman he needs in his life after all! Now if he puts a restrainer order against you, that’s him just restraining himself from you. YOU’RE BECOMING IRRESISTIBLE!! 

            Now, after you have followed all of these steps, he will call you an “Overly attached” psycho creeper. This is to be expected. Men want to blame all of their anger and problems on their woman! That’s fine though. If he yells at you, do what every girl does! Cry and become overemotional! Tell him he caused you pain! It was his fault you cut your arm on a branch when you were trying to see if he was okay! It was his fault he forgot to let everyone know he was yours and yours only! It was really his fault that you had to slap all of the girls that walked by, because he wore the axe body spray! You’ve seen the commercials! Those girls attack the man like they’re some celebrity! Anyways, girls I have to go. He’s stepping out of the shower and I don’t want to miss this!! Make me proud lovelies. (;  XOXO OVERLY ATTACHED GIRLFRIEND  ❤



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