HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S: How to Turn Into a Boy-Swan

Hey, guys, want to pick up girls but think you lack the techniques? Well, here’s Rudy to show you how it’s done! Rudy, the floor’s all yours.

Juvenile Mute Swan (Cygnus olor) near Vanhanka...
Juvenile Mute Swan (Cygnus olor) near Vanhankaupunginlahti, Finland. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Swans Pick up Chicks

First of all picking up chicks is not hard, or maybe it comes natural to me I’m not quite sure. I’ve been picking up girls sense I was in jr. high. All through elementary I was a big nerd and no girl ever wanted me. Now look at me, I look delicious. I know I may seem a bit cocky, but I say there is a difference between being cocky and confident. Cocky is when someone thinks they are all that, but confidence is to know you are all that. In my elementary years I had braces, glasses, wore ugly clothing, and worst of all was deathly afraid to put my-self out there. After switching schools and having a new start, I decided to change things up a bit and build a new reputation. I ditched the glasses and got contacts, started to comb my hair, and finally changed out of the horrific clothing I used to wear. I could not however get rid of the braces unfortunately, but at least the women would know I would have straight teeth in the future. I was still shy, but being the “new meat” of the school women seemed to like me a lot. My confidence started to build after having twenty notes from different girls my very first day of school. Thus the legend began and here I am today. Luckily for you my friend I will teach you the arts of turning yourself into a swan and getting all the glory that comes with it.

            As I said before, confidence is key. No woman likes to have a shy self-conscious man. A woman likes a big buff brawny man to take care of them and protect them. You may not be the big and brawny part, but you can act like you are. As being your overly confident self everything you do or say must seem as if you intentionally did it that way, even if you are dead wrong. From now on you are always right, unless your girl tells you otherwise. We all know the simple rule of women is always right; it is better to just go along with the simple rule to avoid conflict.

            Now for that awful dreadful clothing you have on. You must go clothes shopping immediately! Chicks like the bad boy look for some odd reason, that is just the way it is so get used to it. So go buy some holey jeans, Affliction shirts, and a leather jacket would help a lot as well. If you have abs, show them off as much as humanly possible. Every chance you get remove your shirt; if you do not have abs disregard anything I have said above.

            This next trick is a little harder to master. It is an advanced method of picking up girls, but I am going to pass it down to you my friend. This method requires a bit of reading and a use of a thesaurus. Women like smart guys, so what better way to seem smart then using an immense array of vocabulary terms. See I just used a thesaurus just now to make myself seem smarter. While talking to a woman, memorize a few random big words and use them throughout the day. Let’s hope for your sake that she doesn’t know any of the words you happen to say. So try and pick up some very complicated words. Texting or messaging a woman is a bit easier; just use a thesaurus for every word you send.

            The second most important thing is to make her laugh. Laughter my dear friend is the key to any women’s heart. Depending on how funny you are, you can probably skip the previous tips if you’re that good. Google is now your best friend, Google “jokes” and I’m sure you can find a few million to catch her attention and her heart. I just heard one today, how does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it! Don’t judge me for that joke, I thought it was hilarious.

            Now that I have brought my wisdom down upon you with the basics, it is now time to use them in play. Find a cute girl you may be interested in and apply the steps above and hope for the best. I’m not a magician I can only help you so far. Use everything above as needed and in moderation. Pay close attention to her tone of voice and her body language. If a woman gives you quick answers or tries to make the conversation shorter, bring out the jokes. If she doesn’t find you attractive or funny you have lost the game. She is probably out of your league. If she likes you don’t act to interested or desperate. You have to act like you are super confident and you can have any girl you want, even though we both know that is probably a lie. Each girl is different, so you may have to adjust accordingly to the specifics. Anything they like, you automatically love it as much as she does. Just do not get into something you have no previous knowledge of. If she gives you her number it’s a damn miracle.

            Just remember everything you just read above. I believe in you and your abilities to pick up chicks. You now have the knowledge to get any woman you desire. If you fail, learn from your mistakes and try again later.



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