HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S: Those Pesky Zombies are Back!

English: Zombies
English: Zombies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Those pesky zombies — they seem to be everywhere! To follow, Jake’s advice for surviving that dreaded Zombie Apocalypse.

May Attack!

            A deadly virus has just been spread through a can of
Fabreeze, the spring scent that burst through the doors of your nostrils with
every sniff. Nobody knew what the outcome would be as one by one people started
biting each other, some started to cut off the noses of survivors while others
just wore a mask. Soon the whole European continent was consumed with flesh
eating zombies killing everything that had a pulse. As the infection spread
people decided that bigger communities were at large for quicker spread, they
turned to smaller fortifications. If you are reading this then you are learning
how to survive a Zombie Apocalypse!

            There are not a lot of known ways to survive a zombie
apocalypse due to the fact this is the first one, and quite frankly we never
thought it would happen. The goal is survival of course; the human race depends
on your pro-creation, disregard if you are ignorant because we do not want you
producing offspring’s. This world was full of idiots and now with this
zombie-end-of-the-world stuff going on we will have the ability to redo many
wrongs we have done. Do not try living in abandoned cities because that is
where the zombies usually horde together, keep to the suburbs as much as
possible. Plus majority of the people in the city did not own guns before the
infection, hence why they are dead, but country folks have an abundance of
weapons so you might be able to find one.

            Which brings me to another safety guide tip: have a
weapon on you at all times, even when using the restroom or cooking bacon. To
kill a zombie you must decapitate them using a bullet or sharp object, but if
you want to have fun use something dull and just hack away. You might run into
a zombie that you might have known before the infection took them over, in that
case you no longer know this person, they have become a mindless monster and if
you do care about them you will kill them. This goes for children as well, they
are sneakier and can hid extremely well so do not be shameful if you pop one of
those suckers. Trust me you will be better off for doing this, anything that
has been infected with the HIV virus, oops I mean ZZZ virus needs to be killed.
When it comes to bullets, you can always find more so waste them with as many
shots as needed in taking down a zombie. I always lived by a double-tap rule,
one shot might do it but you never can be too safe so go ahead and shoot one
more into that zombie’s forehead.

            Beware: Large groups can function but not are ideal when
surviving, they might be nice to have when defending yourself against a massive
zombie attack but there are way too many politics involved. A group of five to
nine is nice to have; I would warn you against more than 15, and never pick the
big macho man as your leader. This guy is for sure to get you all killed with
his “I’m better than everybody” attitude, in fact you might want to go ahead
and ask them to leave. Smaller groups seem more practical as well, allowing you
better mobility and less responsibility. Never go into caves, sewers, or
anything underground because you will either be stuck there or find zombies
waiting to ambush you there. Try to stay in a level plain with a structured
border, ie fences or walls, this will provide easier protection and a safe zone
for your group.

            I can not stress to you how important it is for your
survival, in fact if your reading this it is because I am dead and you found
this book abandoned. This is my personal diary, you think I would purposely
leave it somewhere for someone to read! The pages leading up to this survival
guide were all extremely personal and I had no intention on anyone else reading
them. Please burn this upon reading, or at least tear out the personal stuff and
burn them. This was Jake Easterwood, date is 1/4/2025, my birthday, it is no
longer about you it is about humankind. Take care my friend and long live the
great country of TEXAS!



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