HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S: How Not To Handle a Horse

A bareback rider.
A bareback rider. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Whoa, there, podner! Before you mount that calaboose, better let Jordan give you a few pointers on what not to do. Take it away, Jordan.


Horses are really easy creatures to deal with. Don’t let their big size intimidate you. The average horse only weighs about 900-1100 pounds. You can trust them at all times and expect them not to run over you or be stubborn. I have prepared easy steps below on how to catch, lead, groom, saddle, and bridle your horse. You should be able to take care of your horse with ease and form a beautiful bond with your mammal.

When approaching your horse, it’s best to run up to them — literally run — and scream while flapping your arms. The loud noises and movement lets them know you are a trustable and safe person. After you are next to your horse, you realize that you forgot a halter to catch him or her. Once you have retrieved a halter and lead rope, get on their left side by either jumping over their back or crawling underneath them. Remember: horses love sudden movements! Proceed to slipping the halter over their head. Hook the lead rope on the halter and then tie the end around your neck. That way, if the horse spooks, you’ll be safe and not getting dragged. Safety first! Congratulations! You have somehow captured your horse. Tie your horse to themself of another horse.

Next is the wonderful grooming part. For this step, you won’t need a curry comb or a brush. You will simply need a sharp rock to break off all of the dirt and sandpaper to gently brush away what is left. Do not fear a thing because this step is completely and utterly harmless. The horse actually enjoys being brushed! Any sign of kicking or biting is the horse’s way of showing you that he or she really likes it and wants you to continue.

Now that your horse is groomed and definitely not bleeding from the sandpaper, it’s time to saddle. This part takes a lot of hard work and many different steps. First,, you want to find a saddle. It doesn’t necessarily have to fit your horse, as long as it fits you. Just forget about the blanket that needs to go underneath the saddle. You need to throw the saddle on top of the horse as hard as you can. The first few times will most likely end in failure because you threw the saddle too hard and it fell off on the other side. After realizing that saddling takes too much energy and effort, throw it to the curb and decide to ride bareback.

The final step of getting your horse ready is bridling. You should see this metal piece at the bottom of the bridle. That is called the bit and it is supposed to go into their mouth. To get them to open their mouth, you need to clank the bit hard against their teeth and, if that doesn’t work, you can always stick your whole hand in their mouth. Make sure you previously sprayed something bitter on your hands. Once they finally take the bit, just put the top of the bridle over their ears. Ears are pretty flexible so they should bend very easily. Your horse is ready to be mounted!

Mounting is one of the easiest steps. Since you obviously treat your horse with kindness and respect, they won’t give you any trouble when you are trying to get on. Since you decided earlier to ride bareback, you’ll probably need a stool unless you can jump really high. Since everyone can use a stool, I’ll give steps on how to just jump on. First, you grab a lock of mane. Secondly, you’re going to prepare to jump. And finally, you’re going to run and jump on their back and kick them in the flank on your way up. Yo realize your horse probably didn’t like being kicked and that you miserably failed on getting on your horse. So you resort to using a stool, you lazy cheater. Hopefully, from common sense, you can figure out how to mount up with a stool. Once you’re on your horse, you’re ready to ride into the sunset. That is assuming that you make it that far.

I hope this how-to tutorial was easy to follow and worked for you. You should now feel confident in catching your horse and preparing him or her to ride. For all of my time to make this tutorial, I accept cash or credit for my wonderful work that your intelligent mind just read. No horses were harmed in the making of this how-to.


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