HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 27: “Redneck 101”


12-27-12

“You just might be a redneck if…”.

Jeff Foxworthy put rednecks on the map. Made them “cool”.

. ,Calvin Tucker's Redneck Jamboree

“Hey, I wanna be one-a them rednecks!”, you say. “Where do I sign up?”

Well, this is your lucky day. Just so happens that Katy, here, offers a crash course in Redneck 101. Spit out your chaw and sit up straight. By the time you finish this course, you’ll be big-honkin’, card-carryin’ redneck.

YOU BETTER REDNECKOGNIZE

Being a redneck is probably the easiest way to live life, a fun one at that. How to be a redneck with pep in your step? Being a loud, beer-drinking, NASCAR fan with a mullet is the only way to go. It’s one hell of a lifestyle, if you ask me. Don’t care about anything in life, especially the way you look. Camo overalls and a mullet. Don’t even take a shower. Yee-haw!

First step to being a redneck will be getting a good accent going. Like, talk with a twang in your voice, y’all. Listen to country music and know every word and dance right along with it. Shoot the gun; bring home dinner after a long day of hunting with your buddies. Wear your belly hanging out and have a straw in your mouth. Always put a good dip in and crack open a cold one. Like that singer says, “People don’t know if I got a schedule or not, but I do Yee.” (In a strong twang accent). His name is Earl Dibbles, Jr. and he is the definition of a  redneck.

NASCAR — that’s a redneck’s heaven, right there. Nothing better than putting your hat on backwards and snapping your overalls tucked in your boots while watching the cars go ZOOM around and around. Hey, let’s take out my big, lifted truck and go mudding right before we show up at the race. Being a redneck is a pretty easy way to go because you just don’t care about anything. You definitely have to get some tobacco going on, Marlboro cigarettes, and Red Man dipping tobacco.

How do rednecks dress? Let me tell you; they don’t match at all. Daisy dukes with their tall riding boots and a flannel cut-off shirt. It’s a really funny sight to see. Don’t even have to look in the mirror; Most of them work in the auto business, so if you are learning how to be one, you might want to know how to work on a car. Get dirty with everything you do. Fart in public, pee on a tree outside. It’s not a big deal when you run the trailer park.

Being a redneck is really not that hard. Read this over and over and go step-by-step to figure out exactly how to become a redneck or watch Earl Dibbles, Jr. on YouTube. That will get you laughing so hard you will probably pee on yourself, but you know it is okay because you will be a redneck when you’re done! Good luck to you. Yeeeeee!

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