HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 25: “Roll Over [In Your Grave], Beethoven”


The flute or the tuba? Violin or the fiddle? Which one is right for you? If you are deciding on the right musical instrument for you, take these pointers from Clay.


When beginning the grueling process of choosing a musical instrument, think of which musical instrument you would feel comfortable playing, the one you think you would enjoy. You must NOT choose this one. This is the first step and the most crucial in the decision process. You must pick out the musical instrument which, you think, will make you the least comfortable and make your personal image decline. In doing this, you have separated yourself from your natural group of friends and acquaintances, making the experience new and exciting. For instance, instead of picking up the sexy instrument that is the saxophone, I instead opted for the clarinet, regarded as a woman’s instrument.

After choosing your instrument, you must now become acquainted with it in an intimate manner. You must not let the teachers or your superiors TEACH you how to play. Instead, you must let the music flow out of you and the instrument. If what comes out is the squeaks and squabbles that so many refer to as wrong, then you are doing absolutely fantastic! You must become quite intimate with your chosen musical instrument, always sleeping with it and making sure it is comfortable before you doze off. After all, the more your instrument likes you, the better the chances of you and it creating sweet, beautiful music.

After you have become intimate with your weapon of doom, it is time to record and make millions. Take your squeaks and squabbles to the record companies and show them the true way to play an instrument. The recorder is sure to be gaping in awe and creating fibs such as “That sounded terrible” or “You’re awful”. These are only covers, however, for the true delight he is facing from having heard a masterpiece.

The final step in learning your instrument is to secure a spot in a live show that is centered on you and only you. Once you do this, and make your name well known throughout the land for your squeaks and squabbles that men and women alike call death to their ears, you have almost become a true master of your instrument. The key, as with all instruments, is to do the exact opposite of what you are told by your peers. If they say to play softer, play louder. If they say you need to stop playing, play more and more. only then can you truly master music.

I have laid out the perfect process in which to become a prestigious musician. Now go and let the world know your (not-so- beautiful) music.

Stringed instruments in the Musical Instrument...
Stringed instruments in the Musical Instrument Museum, Brussels, Belgium. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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