HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 24: No More Mr. Nice-Guy


English: Paul Muni in Scarface directed by How...

English: Paul Muni in Scarface directed by Howard Hawks (1932 film)-archetypal gangster whit a Thompson submachine gun (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

12-26-12

Tired of being a wuss? Feel like you were born with a “Kick Me” sign on your back?  Well, follow Rosalyn’s  surefire solution and you’ll soon be saying  “So long”  to to Mr. Nice-Guy and “What up?” to  Scarface.

HOW TO BE A GANGSTER

Have you ever been called a punk or a softie? Do your friends and coworkers refer to you as a push-over? Does your lover or spouse bully you around and you have had enough? Well, read this advice carefully, you wimp. It is time to toughen up and throw away the nice-person crap. Being nice doesn’t give you advantages in life. It won’t give you that last piece of cake because you were nice enough to let someone else devour the dessert. You will always be last in line because your niceness let people cut in front of you, even if you were in line for an hour. Holding the door for someone else is not polite because you’re just accumulating other people’s germs on your hands by touching the filthy thing. You need to be more aggressive to get what you want. This is the moment in your life when you need to show people you can get gangster.

Before you get all hysterical because I mentioned the word “gangster”, think about it for a minute. In classical gangster movies, those dudes were respected and people knew not to fool with them. They had the women, the clothes, money, and best of all, the power. People looked up to them and wanted to be just like them. Here are some things you have to do or have in order to get people to respect you.

First, you have to appear and imitate a well-known movie gangster named Scarface. If you don’t know who he is, then I suggest watching the movie. It will really get you in the spirit. You need to have an intimidating look on your face; try the constipated look and people will assume you’re tough. You could even get extreme and stuff cotton balls inside your cheeks to give you the Godfather appearance. Talk slowly and be firm with your hand gestures. You have to walk with a limp replicate as if you sprained your ankle. As you walk, you need to sway your arms across your back as if you just farted and you were trying to sweep the smell from your body.

People will want to see proof that you are hard-core. You should go to your local gag store and buy multiple temporary tatto0s. Get the tough stuff like skulls, knives, Rest in Peace abbreviations, etc. You might want to color them in with  permanent markers just in case they start peeling. Tell a person lies about your past, make up some real gangster scenarios. For instance, if they ask where you got that scar on your hand (the one that happened when you bashed your hand against an open nail), tell them you once punched someone in the face and their tooth got stuck in your skin.

Last tip is no more smiling at people…ever. If you want to do this right, then you will have to stop using nice gestures. Be firm and creative. Think about what a gangster would do before making any decisions. Adjust your ways to this gangster style and you will be living the life of respect. Good luck!

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