HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, PART 23: “Bagging a Myth”


at the Willow Creek Bigfoot Museum

at the Willow Creek Bigfoot Museum (Photo credit: Bob Doran)

12-23-12

His name is legend…Big Foot. Like Nessy,  the Loch Ness Monster, he is the subject of countless speculations and imagined sightings.  To this day, he has never been caught — yet. Follow Kasey’s steps, and you could be the lucky one to bag the big guy and mount his feet on your wall.

MISSION: BF

Agent Red? Come in, Agent Red. I have a very important mission for you! It entails dangerous and high-risk situations. Your mission, if you choose to accept, is to catch the infamous Big-Foot. I have included step-by-step instructions for how to execute  your mission. You begin at 1800 hours. Be prepared, Agent Red. The mission is a tricky one.

The first step to catching the notorious Big Foot is preparation. You must prepare yourself, not only physically, but also mentally. Start by going to the gym at least three times a day, once in  the morning for cardio (in case you have to run away from the beast), once in the afternoon for weight exercises (so you can drag him to your car once you’ve captured him), and once in the evening for yoga (so you have the ability to relax after dealing with the scary creature). Now that you are physically prepared, you must prepare mentally. The best way to do this is to go see a psychologist. The doctor will, most likely, tell you that you are insane and that Big Foot does not exist. He will then try to admit you into a psych ward. This next step is crucial! You  must ensure him that Kasey sent you on a mission and you can’t rest until it is complete and run out of the office as quickly as possible.

The next step to catching Big Foot is to have the right equipment. There are only two pieces of equipment you need, but these two things are very important. First, you need Jack Links Beef Jerky. You must have this exact brand, as it is the only thing that Big Foot eats, and you will not be able to catch him without it. Next, you need a dart gun. This will allow you to silently capture Big Foot without being noticed and without killing him. Make sure that the dart gun has extra-strong sleeping sedatives in the darts.You

The third and most important step, everyone knows, is location, location, LOCATION! Many people think that you can just go to the woods and POOF! Big Foot will just magically appear…False. Big Foot will only appear at precise locations at certain times. The best time to catch Big Foot is on a Friday or Saturday night after you have been drinking heavily or after you have smoked large quantities of marijuana (prescription, of course!). The perfect location to spot Big Foot is any heavily wooded area in the northwestern region of the United States. Big Foot makes many appearances in that area.

Now that you are prepared with your equipment and location, it’s time to complete your mission and catch Big Foot. When you get to the wooded area, make sure your friend is driving becuse you must be too inebriated to catch Big Foot. First, set the opened pack of Jack Links beef jerky approximately fifty feet away from where you are standing. Next, you must wait. While waiting, I suggest you consume large quantities of alcohol or marijuana, preferably both. This will make it easier for you to see Big Foot.  After waiting for a considerable length of time, Big Foot should appear out of the woods. You must quickly grab your dart gun and shoot at least five darts into his neck. Once he is knocked out, grab him by the feet and drag him to the car. Have your friend drive you and Big Foot to your house where you will tie him up until the next morning.

You completed your mission! Once the next morning comes, go to the garage or the back yard, where you have Big Foot tied up. If you notice that something is a bit off, you’re right. You may either have a bear or a fat, hairy hunter tied up in your yard. If you actually thought that Big Foot was real, please go back to the doctor that you previously saw and beg him to let you take him up on his offer.

*****

So, what are you waiting for? Head for Cabela’s “Big-Foot-hunting” aisle and stock up on supplies. C’mon, get a move on!

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