HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, PART 20: AN OMELET TO DIE FOR


English: A generic version of Pepto-Bismol, ba...

English: A generic version of Pepto-Bismol, back view. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

12-21-12

“How do you like your eggs?”

A common question. Sous-Chef Bernice has an omelet that will start your day with a bang. An omelet to die for.

You’re on, Bernice!

TO PREPARE AN OMELET OR NOT TO PREPARE AN OMELET

When you start your morning, it is important to eat a good, healthy breakfast. As you continue reading this, you will find a very simple and delicious omelet recipe. The step-by-step recipe will havve you out in no time and your family will think you are a professional cook.

Before you get cooking, it is always a good idea to clean your kitchen; eggs can be messy and a clean surface will ensure a healthy omelet. Collect all the ingredients before you start so you won’t have to walk away from the flame. The ingredients that you will need are one-month-old aged cheese, snake eggs (for smaller portions), ostrich eggs (for larger portions), road-kill (any variety you run across), expired milk (the chunkier the better), salt, and pepper to taste. Although this process will require a road trip to find the very best qualities of meat, by the time you are ready for preparation, it will be easy and fast.

First, you will have to go to the supermarket and buy the off-brand, extra-sharp cheddar cheese.  Once you get home, you will need to place the opened cheese on top of the refrigerator. This will allow the heat from the refrigerator to process it much faster. Next, you will buy the milk and let it sit out on top of the counter so it can be warm and sour; microwave for even faster expiration. The third step is to go and find a snake’s den in a wooded area. You can easily find them in a wet, dark area. Be sure to bring antivenom with you for the experience. You can also use ostrich eggs if you need to make larger portions and you can find them online. Last, but not least, the road kill. You can go out for a nice walk in your neighborhood and find squirrels, cats, and/or birds, whatever sounds good to eat. My preference is squirrel, so the meat has a hint of a nutty flavor, and it’s a very lean cut of meat.

Once you have all the ingredients, it’s time to start cooking. Get a bowl and make sure it’s large enough to fit all the ingredients. In the bowl, you will put the egg(s) and mix it with a handheld mixer for about two minutes. Be sure to do this near a sink as the smell might cause a stomach reaction. Then, you will add a fourth cup of spoiled milk. If it’s chunky, it’s okay; it will taste much better. Make sure you you mix for quite a while. Now you will place the diced squirrel meat and the aged cheese and fold them into the wet mixture. Have a hot skillet with oil prepared. Pour about a fourth of your omelet mixture into it. After two minutes, you will turn the omelet over and finish cooking for an additional minute. Place the finished omelet on a plate and garnish with fresh cilantro.

If you dare serve this delicious and simple recipe to your family early in the morning, they will have enough energy to last them the whole day. Just remember, you will only need aged cheese, spoiled milk, road kill, eggs, salt, and pepper for the gourmet meal.  Enjoy, but one more item you might need is Pepto Bismol, as the togetherness will be centered, not around the kitchen, but around the bathroom.

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So, what do you like in your omelet?  Western Diamondbacon or Emu Lite?

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