Ever get fixed-up by a friend? To paraphrase Dr. Phil McGraw‘s famous question, “How did that work out for ya?” To follow is Amber’s advice for honoring a friend’s good intentions without getting stuck with a mis-match.
The floor’s all yours, Amber!
HOW TO HAVE A DATE YOU WILL NEVER FORGET
All right, ladies, you know we all have got sucked into a date which our friend set us up on. We could think of a thousand places we would rather be than on a date with that guy you meet at last year’s holdiday party. The guy who talks about his work at a comic-book store and he is always asking you what you think about Darth Vader being Anakin’s dad. Sure, we can tell him we are sick or that we died in a sudden car accident, but if we ever see that guy, he would think of you as a liar. For the sake of your friend and to be kind, you agree to go on the date. You want to make sure he does not ask you for a second date and you don’t have to be mean by saying, “Hell, no!”.
When he calls to set up the date, make sure that, while you are talking to him, you start making a slurping noise in between every word, so it sounds like you have some kind of drooling problem. As you’re taking down directions to the place where you are going to meet, start yelling at your pretend kids and make up some country names like Joe Bob, and Earl J.R. Tell the pretend kids to put that spray paint and lighter down. That is the first phase– make him think you have kids that are not well-behaved. If you are lucky, he might not even show up, but if he does, we have a phase for that, too.
Keep in mind, when picking an outfit, to make sure he does not find you attractive. So wear something like an old lady would wear: a brightly-colored moo-moo and flip-flops would be the best thing. Try to stink. You could rub an onion on yourself and pray he hates onions, and eat a lot of garlic and do not brush your teeth. Your hair needs to be messy; go ahead and rat it with a comb and put it in a half-ponytail. Don’t wear any make-up, so all of your blemishes can really show. If you don’t have any, make some.
When you arrive 45 minutes late to the restaurant and he is still there, tell him that the kids’ dad just got out of prison today, and that’s why you were late. When your menus come, make sure to order the most expensive thing; go ahead and order two of them and let the date know you ordered the other one for Earl Jr.’s dad. After the meal, start picking your teeth with your pinkie while making a high-pitched sucking sound. If this guy has not bolted, by now, grab your to-go box and allow him to walk you to your car. This is the part when you will have to be fast; as he opens the door, jump in, then turn the radio up where, if he does ask you for a date, you can act like you do not hear him.
You may think that all of this is a little crazy, but you will thank me, later. You will know, as you’re eating your to-go-box dinner on your couch, later that night, that you did the right thing. You went out with the guy like your friend asked, so she is happily laughing at you. You helped the guy’s self-esteem; he is thinking what a stud he is because he had a date. You are happy because you got to eat another piece of that wonderful cheesecake, and went on a date you will never forget.
So, readers, back to you. Have you ever gone out on a fix-up date? How did it work out?