HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 17: COVER YOUR EYES, BENJAMIN SPOCK!


12-18-12

It’s that time, again. With the end of another semester comes a new batch of  how-to’s from my college Composition I students. First up: Ada with  sage advice for taking care of your little tot.

THE BEST-EVER BABY MANUAL

When it comes to being a parent, it’s easy! First of all, babies are amazing things all on their own. They all are simple in their needs and wants, and they can’t whine and complain at you when you do something that they don’t like. Taking care of them becomes even easier with the right instruction manual, so you’re in luck! Here is the BEST baby instruction manual there is, with everything from how to quiet them when they cry to how to play with them.

Now, the biggest thing new parents are scared about when they get a baby is the dirty diapers and all the myths surrounding them. First, diapers smell like roses, not something nasty. Second, they are easy to change, especially with a boy. Third, you can wait days in between changing times. And my personal favorite, diapers are optional.

Babies are rumored to cry all the time to try and tell you something. Not true, when a baby cries, it means absolutely nothing. When they do start to cry, they are easily quieted. A few things you can do to quiet them down is hang them upside-down, make loud noises, or even take away their blanket. If the crying still persists after all of that, then just leave the room till they quiet down.

Here’s the part you have been waiting for and all parents have kids for, play time! One of the best games to play

A smiling baby lying in a soft cot (furniture).

A smiling baby lying in a soft cot (furniture). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

with a little baby is to bounce the baby. Here are some things to look for in a good bounce-the-baby spot: low ceilings, moving ceiling fans, being on the edge of a high surface, or even standing near sharp corners. Another thing you can do with baby is to go hunting and teach the baby how to shoot. If you want to get some toys for baby, get things like chain saws, plastic bags, toxic chemicals, and open electrical sockets.

So, remember that babies are able to do anything that you want to do with them. They add fun to your daily lives and are great friends when you need one. One of the best things about them is that they are easy to get rid of when you get bored with them and they don’t take up much room. Isn’t this the best baby manual ever?

Now, it’s your turn, seasoned veterans. What is one piece of advice you would offer a new parent?

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