HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 16: “Outsmarting the Undead”

Cover of "Stay Alive - The Director's Cut...
Cover via Amazon


Those pesky zombies. They’re everywhere! But fear no more. Alex has thought through the whole zombie-takeover crisis and made a plan. Here he is to share it with you.


We have heard all about it in today’s media: movies depicting flesh-eating monsters terrorizing a group of survivors and the end of the world as everyone slips into a brain-dead, hungry, cannibalistic state. The truth is, the impending zombie apocalypse is a very real danger, and we need to be prepared to deal with it. As unbelievable as it may sound, “zombie diseases” already exist, though they are ineffective in humans. In the Amazon Rainforest the Ophiocordyceps fungus focuses its attacks on ants. The fungus takes control of one ant and has it bite fellow ants in the group until the entire colony is infected; the infected ants are then marched to the top canopy, die, and spout a tiny mushroom from their brainstems so the fungus can continue to spread. Now, since these diseases exist, it is only a matter of time before they spread to humans. Not to worry, though, as long as you follow my preventive safety measures, once the zombies rise up and begin infecting the planet, you will be among the lucky survivors.

To begin, you must create a safety net of close friends and family members. Unfortunately, as large groups are prone to infection, you must have no more than ten to fifteen members in your group. Organize your group to contain younger, healthy individuals of mixed genders and races, as you will be responsible for repopulating the planet once the infection has burnt through the human race. Older members and young  children must be avoided at all cost, as they will only be a nuisance and vulnerability. You must harden your heart and leave the weak behind, for only the fit and strong will survive. Once you have your safety net of people ready, your next step will need to make sure to have a safe house building prepared. To ensure you will live through this you will need to be smart about your location; try and get a nice, large building in the northern part of the U.S. — not far enough north to have to deal with 12 feet of snow, though …Colorado, Wyoming, or South Dakota would be best as they are sparsely populated; it should also be isolated away from large cities as abandoned buildings become breeding grounds for zombie hives. Your safe house needs to have a way of sustaining energy, be it wind powered, personal generators, or water powered; solar powered is a reliable and easily maintained method. The house should have enough rations to last all members several months, and a fresh well to supply water. Multiple lines of defense are smart, from heavy duty fencing and trenches, to explosives and electric fencing. Be sure not to lock yourself in, though, have many means of escape should be become overrun…tunneling would be a good way out (just disguise the exit so no zombies have a back entrance into the house). Note that due to the fact that zombies feel no pain barbed wire, fire, poison, shrapnel, and ground spikes will kill them too slowly and are as such rendered useless.

Your next step must be to obtain safety and defense equipment. Hazard suits, gas masks, shark suits, and bullet proof vests are a necessity to protect you from a large range of possible infection methods. Zombie infection can occur like any other disease; though touch, airborne virus, mixing of blood from bites, insect bites, contaminated food ingestion, and through contaminated water. Weapons are also good to have to protect yourself from zombies and renegade human groups alike. When it comes to weapons, guns may sound like a good idea, and they are, but only in moderation because they run out of ammunition quick. Shotguns, assault rifles, crossbows, and any other long distance projectile weapons are very good ideas. A machete is always a good tool for defense and building, but you must avoid serrated blades at all times, due to  the fact that they can get stuck in zombie limbs, costing you a weapon and putting you in unnecessary danger. Knowledge of small grade explosives is a useful skill; think pipe bombs and cherry grenades.  You must always be prepared, as soon as the zombies rise up, you need to make your way to the nearest ammo supply store and stock up on weapons. Try not to be stingy with your ammunition.

Next, you should move quickly to obtain proper zombie slaying vehicles. You will want to build a caravan of vehicles for your group, just in case one experiences problems. Sedans are a big no-no, no matter how good the gas mileage is. When running over zombies, their bodies can get stuck in the wheels or undercarriage of a sedan. SUV‘s and large off-road vehicles are the best choice, modified to have extra gas-tank space, steel grates over all windows, metal plating on all doors and the roof, rooftop flood lights, 4 wheel drive, bullet proof glass if possible, and a car-mounted snow plow. The Jeep Cherokee, Nissan Xtera, or the Toyota FJ Cruiser are good choices in stable vehicles. The Hummer may be tempting, but it is too top-heavy and prone to tipping, so avoid if possible. In this convoy it is also a good idea to include a gasoline tanker to carry extra fuel for your caravan.

Once you have followed the above steps and have reached your safety destination your second to last step should be to douse your trail with liquid ammonia to cover up the scent of human. This precautionary step is highly important, for it will delay the zombie hoard from finding your new home for as long as possible. And finally your last step is very simple, but hugely important. Stay Alive.


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