HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 13: “Losing Antler-Guy”

Nightclub Entrance
Nightclub Entrance (Photo credit: Donald Lee Pardue)


Okay, girlfriends, you know those drunken dopes you meet in night-clubs? You try to  rake them off nicely, but the goofballs don’t take the cue. Well, fear no more. Solomon is here to save your day — and your night. To follow are simple steps to losing the next jerk who tries to glom onto you.


Ladies, have you ever been in a dance club or a bar with your friends and some random guy tries to woo your affections by grabbing your arm inappropriately as you walk past him? Would you like to learn a comprehensive technique to immediately punish the jerk; while at the same time, having him squeal like a pig for your mercy? Of course you do. Well, you have come to the right place. This is a simple, step-by-step guide to make any drunken idiot easily experience why it is not good to grab you without your consent.

Step one: Don’t panic. We all know you are a sexy individual. Maybe the nincompoop is confused about the best strategy to get your attention and chose to act like a chimpanzee. It is in your best interest to keep your cool, so once you control this situation, you will not blow your chances with the cute guy on the other side of the room that has been staring at you all night.

Step two: Smile and face your scoundrel. This idiot does not realize he stepped in dung and you should give him the pleasure of service with a smile. Once again, you are leaving a lasting impression, so why not make it cordial? Even though he chose to grab you by the hand, you do not have to shake it when you can fake it. Proceed to step three for further explanation.

Step three: Faking and shaking  This is your opportunity to take control of this annoying situation while demonstrating your sexiness in a profound way. After completing steps one and two, take your opposite hand and rest it gently on the back of your admirer’s hand; as if you were flattered this foolish rascal took the initiative to touch you. As you rest your hand on the back of the hand he is trying to shake your other hand with, smoothly and easily rotate your admirer’s wrist backward towards him and rest your forearm of your gentle hand onto the top of his fingers. This will secure his wrist and arm; tipping his elbow inward as he tries to avoid the pain.

Step four: Whisper sweet nothings   As you secure his wrist and arm in step three, step to the outside of your opponent and watch him bend over backwards from your affections, literally. Before you take him to the ground, this is your opportunity to thank him for choosing your airline for his flight destination. Subtlety is the key, so be sure to lean in and whisper in his ear as if you were sharing a secret.

Step five: Leave a parting gift  Let us recap now. We have shown our sexiness and sophistication while demonstrating to a disrespectful goon on the effects of reaching for attention. We have smiled, faked it (like some women know how to do so well), and whispered sweet nothings in the ear of our devotee. The only thing left to do is leave a parting gift; the gift of gas. As you take this clown down to the ground, before you turn and walk away, leave a lasting impression that will sure arouse the senses. Physically, your admirer will be in perfect position to kiss the ground you walk on, but instead of losing cool points and escalating this situation to a higher altercation degree, you can put icing on the cake without anyone else being aware you have sentenced your enthusiast to several minutes of nasal terror. Simply release a silent, but deadly, counteroffensive from the behind as you turn to walk away and watch him comically he will try to relieve himself from the death cloud that surrounds his face. Then you may proceed toward the cute guy that has your attention on the other side of the room.

With confidence, practice, and subtlety, you will learn to master the act of Drunkard Repelling. These are ancient secrets that can and should be passed down for generations to come. Imagine how the club and bar scene would be a better place if all these drunken admirers learned this lesson.


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