HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 9: “Dear Lonely One”

B.W. and J.Q. working ¿NISH!'s Bad Advice booth
B.W. and J.Q. working ¿NISH!’s Bad Advice booth (Photo credit: alxndr)


A. Are you single? B. Are you lonely?  If you have checked A and B, Blessing wants a word with you. Take it away, Blessing!


Dear Lonely One,

There are over 6 billion people in the world. So why are you single? It is because the world is a cruel and heartless place. It’s every man..well, in your case, woman…for herself. Welcome to the jungle. Trying to get a man requires you to open up your senses, and be cunning and alert. Listen to me when I say you have to have the mindset of a predator. If there’s one thing that you can gain from my rules, it is having your prey…I mean, guy…in your arms. Follow these rules and you will not fail. So, what are you waiting for? Grab your binoculars, fill up your canteen, and let’s go man-hunting!

Have all eyes on your prey. While you’re out and about, you see the guy of your dreams, and you cannot take your eyes off him. You want him to be yours. It’s like your souls are calling out to each other. At this moment, I’m going to need you to close your mouth because you are drooling on yourself. Thank you. Now you want to be with him, only you don’t know how to initiate a relationship. Introduce yourself! Spark up a little small talk, but, above all, make sure you remember his name. The name is muy importante!

Know your prey. This is the easiest, yet most important, part. Get on the Internet and do your research. Google your man. See if he’s had any news articles featuring him. You could even go as far as getting a background check on him. If the background check comes back and your man is squeaky clean, you can jump for joy. If he’s dirty as the gum on your shoe, you need to escape! This background check may be to the extreme, but you wouldn’t want to have an ex-con as your new boyfriend, would you? Now that you know he’s a regular citizen, it’s time to get on Facebook. First thing you need to do is take note of his relationship status. If he is not single, you can set down some mourning flowers because that road is a dead-end, honey. If he is single, then I will allow you this one time to scream your head off, indulge in some ice cream, and have a girls’ night out. Ok, now, it’s time to get back to the mission. Know the ins and outs of his profile. Find out where he likes to eat. Figure out his weaknesses and strengths. This will guarantee you success on the next step.

Load up the guns. You know where he likes to go; now it’s time to stalk your prey. “Accidentally” bump into your guy at the market. Show up with the same kind of coffee at work. Buy the same shirts he buys. Get into a car accident with him as he’s leaving the highway. I AM JUST KIDDING! I can’t believe you almost did that. Other than the last part, do everything he likes to do. Right about now, he should be at your every beck and call. If not, it’s time for a pep talk. Listen to me. You are a beautiful lion in the jungle. You see your prey. Envision him as yours. Taste him, watch him, and stay perfectly still. Now, it’s time for you to pounce! OH,  NO! I didn’t mean literally. My goodness, now you’ll never have your man. Maybe next time you shouldn’t take my instructions so literally. After the restraining order against you is over, maybe you can try again. When you try again, do it without the pouncing. Better luck next time.


The Worst Advice-in-Nataor


2 thoughts on “HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 9: “Dear Lonely One”

    1. Yeah, I’m not married, but I’m glad my sweetie and I are solid. Would hate to turn around and take “pot luck” on anyone else who might be out there. ;-0

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