HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 5: Breaking Up Is Hard…or Is It?

Cover of "Date Night"
Cover of Date Night


After Emily and I traded chocolate-chip cookie recipes, Jessica instructed me on the best way to break up from someone.


Have you ever found yourself bored in your relationship? You just want to call it quits and move on with your life? You want to break up with your mate, but don’t know the appropriate time of day to tell them? Well, here’s a way to get out of it with your sanity still intact. This way they’ll break up with you before you get a chance to and without them knowing that it is over. Instead of being rude and just ignoring the poor soul, why not wait until date night?

First, when you and your mate arrive at your destination (the movies), make a big deal about where to park and complain that it’s too far from the entrance. This will most definitely put your plan into action. When exiting the car, walk behind your mate at a distance, making the excuse that you feel butterflies in your stomach, and that it might be gas. Once inside, inform your mate that you have no money and that it’ll be your turn to pay next time (even though you’ve already used this excuse three times before). This will surely get your mate’s brain sensors blaring, but who cares? You’re breaking up with him, anyway, just letting them do the work. When walking into the theater, stop and make conversation with every person you might know, telling your mate to wait for you. Knowing that the movie has already started will get your mate’s patience bomb ticking. Walking into the theater, if your mate wants to sit somewhere in particular, complain and make a big deal, suggesting that both of you should sit somewhere you want to sit so you can see better. Of course, during the movie, munch very loudly on your snacks, sip your drink uncontrollably, and never offer any. This will get your mate’s blood boiling, most definitely. At this point, I’m sure the other guests around you will be getting a bit annoyed and disturbed along with your mate, but you shrug it off like you don’t even notice or care. Another key point in making your plan work smoothly is laugh out loud at every part of the movie, whether it’s funny or not, then whisper to your mate that you’re going to the restroom and take a long time to come back.

When you finally do come back from the restroom (when the movie is practically over), “accidentally” step on everyone’s feet coming down the aisle, including your mate’s feet. At this point, there will be no going back or changing your mind. You’ve ruined you and your mate’s date night and, of course, they are very angry with you, but you don’t care because your plan is rolling out like pizza dough. Now it is time to inform your mate that you have already seen the movie, and start quoting parts that you know, out loud. At this time, right before the ending of the movie ends, you tell it! You tell your mate the whole ending of the movie, not caring. Your mate is furious with you; the movie has ended, and your mate has already put their own little plan into action. You know already that the relationship hasn’t been working out, and you both want something different. You both are walking to the car (pick a fight over anything that comes to mind). Argue over what station to listen to, say mean and hurtful things, to add to the finishing touch on “Operation Breaking Up, Not Making Up”. You’re feeling like an absolute genius and feel no remorse for what you have done, but on the outside you’re playing it cool and nonchalant. Your mate drops you off and you’re waiting for those four magical words, “we need to talk”.  You’re beaming from ear to ear on the inside, but he or she have not said them yet, so on the outside you’re feeling a bit confused. Pulling up to the house, you’re getting out of the car and they get out, too. You both walk to the door and you’re thinking “Oh, my gosh, what is going on?”

At this time you will ask yourself two things: 1. Did they even get the memo that it is over? You ruined date night trying to secretly break up without them knowing and making them do the work. 2. Will you have to put your plan back into action another time? Obviously, at this time, question two is happening and they’re not ready to break up over one bad date night. Silly you to believe that they would.

Then you are hearing those last words for the night: “See you later” and you both hug each other and walk away. you will be standing there looking like a lost puppy and feeling like a complete dunce, annoyed and confused on what went wrong, you ruined everything and you are mad the brilliant plan was a waste of time and energy. You basically told them, without telling them, to kick rocks, that the relationship is a waste of time, and that it is over, but they didn’t catch the hint. But, hey, I just gave you a way to do the job. I never said that it would work.


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