HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, PART 4: BRENNETTA’S BIRTHDAY BASH


Tarzan & Jane
Tarzan & Jane (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

05-07-2012

Last in my series, a spicy saga from my student, Brennettta, about throwing an unforgettably primitive birthday bash for her man:

A DAY TO REMEMBER 

 Fred is coming into town, and my insides are filled with all sorts of emotions. What makes the situation even better is that it’s his birthday and he has no clue as to the surprise I have in store for him. He’s a simple type of guy, and for all he cares relaxing on the sofa, looking at sports all day would do him justice.  Time waits for no one, and with only six hours to get everything prepared, I had to put a move on it.

First stop, the grocery store. Fred always loved it when his mom would cook his favorite meal, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn, and garlic bread when he would visit, so I thought that I would do the same. Once the ingredients were purchased, I was off to my next destination, Party City. Most couples are into the whole romantic theme, where as I had another plan. I wanted to decorate my home into an erotic jungle with the lights, trees, gorillas, the fog, the sound of nature playing in the CD player, and last but not least the costumes. Tonight Fred and I would submerge into the characters of Jane and Tarzan, Ugg. After hours of being in the store, I came out with eight bags of excitement.

 My next stop, Victoria’s Secret. What guy wouldn’t want to see his woman in “French Knickers”?  After endless searching, I found the perfect pair! Stunning fluorescent green knickers, this went well with the attire for the evening. Now that the shopping part for me was over, I now had to pick the perfect birthday gift for him. Looking at my cell phone only to see that I had four hours to get everything together, my nerves kicked in quicker than a roach running for its dear life. I quickly ran into the men’s department of Macy’s. Every woman loves a man that smells amazing, so I purchased him “Fahrenheit” by Dior. The sales clerk bagged it, and out the door I went. Sweating profusely, I made it to my car, and raced back to my place.

Rushing to get home, unaware as to how fast I was going didn’t take long because to my surprise a loud siren followed by flashing blue, red, and white lights beaming through my rear view mirror, put me to a stop.  Without a care in the world, the police officer handed me a citation for going seventy in a twenty-five speed zone. To make matters worse, I was two blocks from my home, and what do you say, I run out of gas. At this moment, my life felt as though I were a lonely lost soul in a horror movie waiting to be killed.  Gathering all of bags, I got out the car, and walked home. Extremely infuriated, I made it. Looking at the mass clock on the wall, I only had two hours before his arrival. Knowing that the food and decorating would take longer, than me showering, I decided to that first. Once the decorations were set up and the food was cooking, it was time to get myself together. No longer smelling or looking like someone from “Survival” I felt normal again. Everything was in place, from the lightings, to the magnificent meal waiting to be ripped into. The doorbell rung and my nerves shot to the roof. I didn’t know if I had butterflies, if I had to puke, or pass gas, but it was surely getting the best of me.  Taking a gulp of Moscato, I greeted Fred at the door with a glass of wine, and a huge smile. The look on Fred’s face was priceless. The fact that he didn’t think I could something as crazy as this, caught him off guard. Yes! As he walked in, and admired the decorations, I gave him his costume, so he could get into character. When he came out, I walked him to the table and made his plate. Noticing the look on his face that I had prepared his favorite meal, I knew without a doubt that I won “brownie points”. As he took his first bite, his smiled turned into a frown. It was as if he took a bite into a sour pickle. Afraid to ask what was wrong, it hit me that instead of salt, I poured sugar into the meatloaf. Not only that, but I dropped a few eggshells in, and didn’t take them out. Trying to laugh from being embarrassed, we moved onto the next fun event of the night. Jane was about to give Tarzan the best private dance of his life. Grooving to the music, I felt comfortable and by the look on Fred’s face, he was enjoying it as well. In the middle of a turn, I broke wind. I was so mortified because I knew not only did he hear it, but soon would smell it. So embarrassed to look at him, I gave him his birthday gift, and walked out the room.

Of course we ended up laughing about it together, but at the end of the day Fred loved my effort of going out the way to make his birthday special, and that he’s still the luckiest guy in the world!

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