HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, PART ONE: Derek on How to Prepare for a Date


aria
aria (Photo credit: eringarret)

05-03-2012

Last week, I gave the class their last writing assignment: process analysis.

“Two requirements,” I stressed. “Write an essay that shows me you understand the pattern of process analysis. And, I added, creating a pregnant pause, “…make me laugh!”

And laugh I did!

To follow in their unvarnished  forms, are samples of students who have  flexed their humor-writing muscles. 

 The first is from Derek.

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A DATE:

Prom is only two weeks away and you still need a date for it. After lots of bickering within yourself, you figure out you would like to ask Aria…out for a date to see if you would have fun at prom. Normally, the guy asked the girl out for a date, but today, you’re not feeling those standards should be met. Within the next hour, you write a letter to one of her friends, hinting that she tells her girlfriend to ask you out. After reading the letter, Aria jumped for Joy out of  her seat, she stated that she would love to go with you on a date! Tomorrow night at seven Sound good? I will pick you up on my bike. As she thrust herself on you out of excitement; she asked you own a bike? With a straight face, you replied, “Yeah, it’s a two-seater  Wink! She leaves your arms as you watch her frolic into the distance. The next morning you create a list of things you need to do prior to the date. First thing on the list is to get a good workout! So you go to your kitchen pick up two oranges and combine them together with a corn on the cob holder. Three reps later you say to yourself “Whew That was tough.” Next on the list was to freshen up, so I went outside to my bird bath and flew around with the birds in it. After drying off, I realized looking into my mirror that I needed a shave. Luckily I have scissors to help shave, (*Snip Snip*) looks great! Glancing at your list you see your attire next. Within the next five minutes you are submerged within a pile of clothes in your closet. Gasping for air as you arise screaming “FOUND IT!” It was your old red Hawaiian polo shirt with purple Dockers shorts. Realizing they were dirty you rush to the kitchen plunging them in and out of the sink water. Unfortunately you haven’t bought a dryer yet so you just hang them outside on your Satellite dish hoping the UV rays bouncing onto the dish will dry it fast. Several hours pass and you find yourself waking up thirty minutes prior to picking up your date. Running outside to the satellite you grab your clothes realizing they are still damp, darn that satellite I’m going to need to replace it. *Splash splash* is the sound you hear as you move towards your garage to get your bike out. Racing out of the garage you think to yourself “I’m irresistible she will ignore my wet clothes”. Upon arriving at Aria’s you kick out the kickstand and walk to the door to ring it. Realizing that you forgot to brush your teeth you glance left and right looking for something with some sort of scent to hide the smell. A mint bush catches your eye within half a second the bush is devoured into your mouth. Sucking on the leaves in your mouth you eventually spit  out the whole plant to find it completely different color then you first saw it. As the ding dong of the bell rings, the door instantaneously opens and Aria leaps onto you knocking you to the ground. She asked “Why are you so wet?” Ignoring completely what she said you walk her to your bike, within a second she slaps you in the face! OW! That hurt! Why didn’t you tell me you drove a bike? I did tell you! Remember? “It’s a two-seater”, I replied. With a quick *humph* she walked back inside closing the door. Driving off on your bike you write a note to yourself “Now that’s how to prepare for a Date.”

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