HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 29: Inside Spider-cide


Black Widow in the Bug Box

Black Widow in the Bug Box (Photo credit: OakleyOriginals)

12-27-12

What scares you? Rats skittering across your floor? Snakes slithering across your path? Or is it spiders spinning a sticky web to snag you as their prey?  Here is Jeanette to tell you how to “off” those creepy, hairy, eight-legged critters.

HOW TO KILL THE WORST CREATURES ON EARTH — SPIDERS!

Is there anyone out there who is as terrified of spiders as I am? Just the mere thought of them makes my hair rise. I know that most spiders are harmless and help control the bug population, but who controls the spider population? Well, that is where I come in, to help all those out there who are annoyed and disgusted with these grotesque, little, creepy-crawly creatures. It is an anti-arachnid uproar, and we will overcome! So, for those who feel insulted by these eight-legged disgusting bugs, and, yes, they literally “bug” me to the point where I want to annihilate them from this earth, please follow this easy guide on how to kill spiders. Please follow these steps and join me in this spider-killing revolution!

First and foremost, you must stalk your prey. Find out where they’re coming from and where they’re going to. The goal is that they will lead you to their spider hang-out so that you can eliminate as many as you can at one time. This may involve some time and effort in monitoring their behaviors, but it will be well worth it in the end when you bomb their whole village. All you need is a stick of dynamite and a match, and they will explode into little pieces, with all their little spider parts all over the place.

If you’re just too scared to risk being discovered by these buggers, try following their every move, or if the thought of simply being that close to them leads to great anxiety, then you can just scream loudly when a spider is present. The louder you scream, the better and even more so, the higher you scream, the better. Spiders hate loud noises. When they hear a scream, it paralyzes them, giving you enough time to find the nearest magazine, shoe, anything you can get your hands on, to beat that disgusting spider to death. Smashing it fifty times is recommended to guarantee death. And, please, no throwing an object at the spider in hopes you will smash it, because it will likely get away and alert its other spider buddies, and you will wake up to an infestation in your home. So, if you really want to make sure that little bugger is dead, you may even want to go over smashing it fifty times, and strive for one hundred times.

If killing the spider with a shoe or other object is just too difficult for you because of your great fear of getting too close to it, then you can recruit your big, burly husband to kill it for you. A more controversial method, but effective, is raising your kids from very young to be spider-killing machines. The beauty of training kids from very young is that they haven’t developed a fear response, and they think it’s hilarious crunching into a spider with their little mouths, or smashing it with their toy hammer, and they’re always proud of their work.

Now you have been equipped with simple methods to eradicate these creatures from the earth. It may take forever to achieve this, but every one spider dead counts as a step toward their extinction from earth. And just think of it this way; even if you don’t get to see an earth totally eradicated from these hellacious creatures, maybe your great, great great, great, great one-million times more great grandchildren will get to see that day.

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